Choosing to have kids

Parenting Rants

Choosing to have kids

I spent the weekend with a friend who chose not to have kids. As always with the childless, as my kids erupted in hyperactivity and I sighed in frustration, the phrase “Well you chose to have them” was uttered.

You chose to have them.

Such a statement is absolutely pointless. It is the type of thing I would tell my son “You chose to wear your shoes into a puddle and now they are wet.” As if having children is some sort of cautionary tale. You chose to have them and now you must walk around with them. I find this statement trivializes the entire nature of parenthood.

Parenthood is a complex beast.

We parents will often smack ourselves in the head wondering if we could have done or handled something better in the moment BUT no matter the situation, we fundamentally define ourselves as parents.

We are the caregivers. We are the ones who are raising the next generation of humans who will inherit the Earth. We are the ones reciprocating the hugs and kisses and giving stern reproaches when behavior needs to be corrected.

A parent must have a child to parent. The suffering that is perceived to come from parenthood is not a result of a ‘choice’. Its a burden to bear like the burden associated with a ‘calling’ or the love of a time consuming hobby.

You live, therefore you have the burden of breath.

You are a parent, you have kids. Raising the kids is the journey. As for goals or the choice that lead you here: you envisioned a family with kids, grand kids, and generations. You may have the goal that your child grows up to be kind and self sufficient. Maybe you just want someone who will look in on you as you grow old and eventually fade into death. The choice that began your path as a parent is the choice of wanting a traditional family.

You chose to have a family

There is no choice involved once you are a parent. I can not choose to wake up one morning and ignore the needs of my children. To do so would negate my calling as a parent. Had I not had children for the reason of not being able to, I would have adopted.

Becoming a parent is NOT some trivial choice. Sure, a broken condom can produce a child but often times during this type of conversation the act of carrying a child for 9 months and delivering is not given any weight. Raising a helpless being for a couple of years and then dragging that same being through their teens is no walk in the park. People do not choose to have kids.

People choose to have a family and hope for a fulfilling life filled with love and laughter involving procreation because that is what humans have done for millennia.

I feel hurt when the childless individual judges my lifestyle based on a single event. Perhaps it is because they are still raw from having to defend their choice to their naysayers. However, given that I accept their life choices what gives them the right to trivialize my decision to live a traditional life.

The childless couple or individual will also throw themselves in to their own version of a calling with its share of burdens whether it is to travel, to run a farm, or to dedicate energy to a business.

Life is full of frustrations not limited to the two legged variety

When their business is struggling or their bodies are failing should I be telling them “You chose to have this lifestyle?” I do not. Instead, I let their lifestyle define them. It takes all types of people to make this world. In the end, I feel great joy from having had my kids. The burden is real but so is the journey.

… and, you chose not to have them.

Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash