How we are victims by choice

Champion or victimhood

How we are victims by choice

Does this scenario sound familiar? Someone asks you to do a simple task, and you reluctantly agree. Now committed, you realize unknowns such as a conflict in priorities or scheduling but trudge through the task to fulfill the request — but maybe you forget, do poorly, or willfully neglect to complete the task.

The problem with acquiescing

There are too many of these scenarios that come up every day such as your partner asking you to take out the trash or a colleague asking for an innocuous report.

Why do we acquiesce to do things? Because we can’t say no at the moment. Rarely do we dwell on why.

If you had to answer me quickly, you’d probably say, “I’m ‘people pleasing.’ But if I ask you to dive deeper into your ‘why,’ there is a reason behind accepting the task.

I accepted this task because:

• I felt terrible for Bob as he’s overloaded (altruistic intent as he never asks for help, I need to help him lessen his load so that he can help me)
• I need to improve my relationship with Janice (I always say no to her, I have a promotion riding on her input)
• I couldn’t say no to my partner (my guilt/shame for dropping the ball too many times, this will give me a better relationship)
• My mom won’t stop asking until I say yes (so she will go away so that I can be a good son/daughter)
• I need to appear helpful because I fear what others think of me.

In not recognizing the intention or ‘WHY,’ we are less inclined to own the task and carry it out purposefully, leading to success.

If there’s a reason, why don’t we own it?

This is where people have breakthroughs in coaching, therapy, or spirituality. The task takes on a new meaning when you start to see the why behind your decision-making. Neither the people involved nor the task has changed, but your perspective and attitude are transformed.

As a non-obvious example, with my first two children — I suffered through labor and played the part of a pregnant lady quite well. I felt privileged to sit, have cravings, and voice my discomfort. When the babies came, then too — I would occasionally complain about the sleepless nights breastfeeding, changing nappies, and the stress around managing my time and work.

I had my third and last child because of a dream. My intention became that I needed, wanted, and had to have this third child. Although open to having a big family, my husband had suffered through my first two pregnancies and early childhood and flatly refused to have a third. But I was not deterred.

It took a couple of months to convince him this was a deep-seated need. Finally, we were lucky enough to conceive. I noticed a massive change in my mindset. Because this was the child of MY wanting, I held myself not only responsible for her welfare but accountable. I did not complain when the pregnancy was challenging, nor did I complain after she was born. I somehow found that strength and resilience to be highly proactive in raising my third. Incidentally, this intentional motherhood overflowed to include the first two.

What startled me was I realized during my first two pregnancies, I had been content to play the ‘victim’ of motherhood.

Why? Society encourages moms to be victims in pregnancy so that they are taken care of by others. Once the children come you are relegated to the role of ‘mother’ of the children and rendered invisible, to be later killed off in the first five minutes of most Disney films.

Only with the third did I see the difference intent made and how I was now the champion of motherhood.

How does this apply to the more mundane tasks such as taking out the trash or agreeing to help a work colleague with something that may be time-consuming?

I became more mindful of everything I agreed to, whether work or home-based. In this way, now, I say no to myself when I feel the urge to acquiesce.

Instead, I look deep into why I should agree to do the task and do it. Failing to find a reason, I say no.

It's in the act of being intent that we discover our actual superpowers.