I must be an Acrobat.

Life

I must be an Acrobat.

Love is fresh and new in spring, hot and steamy in the summer, and cools by fall. What needs to happen by winter is that transformation to unconditional love. Explained with the help of Acrobat by U2 (Credit to Bono et al.).

A relationship doesn’t have to be toxic. But behavior can become fixed after years of letting the status quo be out of sync. What on the surface looks like a perfect egalitarian household, under closer inspection, betrays deep cracks.

Don’t believe what you hear
Don’t believe what you see
If you just close your eyes
You can feel the enemy

There’s a trap in being out of sync. You no longer understand him. You feel invisible as misunderstandings occur. The dialogue inside your head is misleading and wrong. His anger and helplessness are palpable. After years of therapy, you know it's not directed at you, but you can’t help but feel like it is.

When I first met you girl
You had fire in your soul
What happened your face
Of melting in snow
Now it looks like this

What drew you to each other has long since burned away. You see the tall figure, confident, as you had met him. He talked your ear off about how he would like to get to know you better. You were more concerned with where your feet were heading.

Since that moment, you’ve affected each other’s behavior and beliefs. His pattern of long sulks has given way to your pattern of avoidance. There is always a fight on the tip of your tongue. Not because you want to fight but because to speak is to initiate communication of conflicting views that each must express, but neither can empathize.

And you can swallow
Or you can spit
You can throw it up
Or choke on it

You're met with silence when you finally choose to express yourself — or better yet, ask him to express himself. The inner demons are at play, and there’s no evicting them.

He refuses to let you into his internal spiral. You watch from the sidelines, always there but never there. Never acknowledged for being there. Concerned with love in your eyes, you are on watch.

And you can dream
So dream out loud
You know that your time is coming ‘round
So don’t let the bastards grind you down

Your relationship feels like it's trapped in a prism of glass. You can see the light refract from cause and effect but cannot break the cycle. If only he could know that you are his biggest ally and friend. If only he could express himself. You are his biggest supporter.

No, nothing makes sense
Nothing seems to fit
I know you’d hit out
If you only knew who to hit

You want so badly to be on the same side of things. His ever-present rage or internalized thoughts keep up the cycle. Your needs are unmet. His needs are unmet. The silence is to blame.

And I’d join the movement
If there was one I could believe in
Yeah I’d break bread and wine
If there was a church I could receive in
’Cause I need it now

Intimacy and connection vanish.

Independent, you work on yourself and your codependencies.

He’s in his world on his island. In his mind, he thinks he is saving you. He is a provider, a doer, and a protector.

Both of you are fierce about wanting to stay in the relationship. It's a dance, perhaps a tango.

To take a cup
To fill it up
To drink it slow
I can’t let you go

With words, intentions break down. His words cut your heart. Your words cut his ego. We both keep spiraling, trapped by demons whispering words into our heads. The intention is to be together, but the situation is falling apart.

I must be an acrobat
To talk like this
And act like that
And you can dream
So dream out loud
And don’t let the bastards grind you down

And then we reached out for help.

We began a cycle of self-help, therapy, difficult conversations, and enthusiastic interactions, followed by the repeated pattern of long silences and separation.

Oh, it hurts baby
(What are we going to do now it’s all been said)
(No new ideas in the house and every book has been read)

The never-ending merry-go-round goes around and around. But this time, it's better because your mindset is more evident. You know it's not you; it is him. You know there’s nothing you can do for him. He has to find his way out. He knows it too.

You work on yourself.

And I must be an acrobat
To talk like this
And act like that
And you can dream
So dream out loud
And you can find
Your own way out

You are afraid. You wonder if he will ever find the end of the maze of his making. He hides from you. You wait. He can be angry. You wait. He isolates himself. You wait.

Ultimately, you love him, and it's not about you; it's about being there for him. You wait because you love him and have faith that he will pull through however he needs to.

You can build
And I can will
And you can call
I can’t wait until
You can stash
And you can seize
In dreams begin
Responsibilities
And I can love
And I can love
And I know that the tide is turning ‘round
So don’t let the bastards grind you down

Epilogue

I used to think friendship, loyalty, and love were the recipe for a long and happy relationship. When you’ve introduced additional complexity from children, pets, careers, friends, to family to that mix — stressors lead you to question your friendship, fall into disloyal thoughts, and wonder what love is.

My problem lay in needing to understand what love was.

Growing up in the West, I had the schoolgirl dream of marrying my soul mate and living happily ever after with a passionate, burning love affair.

Coming from an Eastern culture where it's about family and marriage as a stable institution — divorce is a last resort.

What to do when lacking immediate gratification — move on to the next thing?

During my journey of self-discovery, I have googled blame and labeled him everything from Narcissistic to emotionally devoid, only to realize that the issue lay in my mindset and not his. I was the one who was codependent or who, in being codependent, was setting the stage for making him worse and not better in his reactions.

He always had his share of issues but with a healthier image of love and relationships.

It took me a long while to escape my miasma. Once out, I realized I needed additional perseverance, dedication, and blind faith to set the stage for that unconditional life-long love. It takes work.

Every long-suffering-married couple I know is full of toxic browbeating. The earlier generation of women dedicated to their posts as wives compromised more than I or my generation would do. Yet, there is some wisdom in the compromise.

In a compromise, there is acceptance of individuality.

Conclusion

Today, my compromise is owning my truth — Not falling into the trap of being defined by his acceptance.

I pull the facts from the fiction and question my assumptions concerning the relationship. I allow myself the space to get angry when anger is due. I call him on the bullshit. I give him space when he needs it and expect space in return when I need it.

I was surprised when it worked.

I let myself get angry. I listen to music. I may fall into rumination. I find my way to facts versus assumptions. Once I get to this stage, it's easier to give space. Later, we may or may not talk about the issue— I can let it go.

What of love?

• Love is the joy and gratitude I have in seeing him every day of my life.
• Love is watching him excel and watching him struggle.
• Love is letting him make mistakes but supporting him when he seeks help.
• Love is trusting my partner to want what's best for us and knowing he is happy to have me show him the way.
• Love is in giving and not looking for anything in return.

It took me a long time to realize that nothing he could give me would make me happier than I am today.

I wait for him to realize that truth. Even if he does not, I will continue to love him.

Written at 3 AM, as is my usual, to the powerful lyrics and heartbeat of Acrobat by U2.