Kindness, a gift for the Unkind

Life

Kindness as a Gift for the Unkind

A challenge for resolving conflict

The daily practice of gratitude is a great tool for countering feelings of frustration and negativity. Loving kindness (Metta in Buddhism) is a force that is a spectrum apart from gratitude. Where in gratitude we are grateful to receive; loving kindness is an empowered act of giving. I have seen the western equivalent at Christmas mass when told to turn to the person on my left and right to “Wish them well”.

I wish you well.

Buddhists take this phrase and extend it in loving kindness to exact a superhuman power.

I wish myself well. I wish my family well. I wish my neighbors well…

As in the image of a water droplet falling back into the water, the intention of loving kindness is first experienced to yourself and then reflected outwards in concentric waves.

The act of loving kindness takes on a different meaning when you apply it to the people in your life with whom you are at odds.

• The driver who cut me off on my commute to work. He should get pulled over by the cops or get into an accident.
• The developer working on my project failed to follow through on unit testing. Now I am stuck creating and completing failing tests with him on standby at the penultimate hour.
• My evil ex-partner is refusing to allow me to take our shared custody son to Disneyworld. How dare I have to ask for permission just to make a trip or share an experience with my son.
• My negligent husband stood me up yet again in favor of the Home Depot or work. He always does this. How inconsiderate is he!

To practice loving kindness is to shift your focus from feeling the victim in a situation and to instead handle the conflict in an objective manner.

First, you must let go of your personal stake in the incident, drop your perspective. Second, you must forgive and let the incident go. Finally, you must think from the perpetrator's perspective. The entire experience pushes you to take an objective stance in conflict management.

You are the one in the seat of power and you are the one who is in control.

From the examples above,

• The errant driver: I wish you a safe journey. I wish you a calm and anxiety free day.
• The troubled developer: I wish you the peace of mind and confidence to be able to ask for help. Together we will work together to meet the deadline.
• The evil ex-partner: I wish you well. I wish you good times with our child. I understand you need to know his whereabouts.
• Your negligent husband: I wish him success in completing his project. We will both reap the rewards of his task well done.

Try this challenge just once a day and see how it affects you.