Pandemic Life with 3 Young Kids

Personal Reflection on Motherhood

Pandemic Life with 3 Young Kids

We were glued to the news in January and March 2020. Living in the Greater Toronto Area that had a high demographic of Chinese and Iranian Canadians meant that there was a very real risk that people traveling between the most affected countries could have brought it home to our local neighborhood. We were not alone, talking to neighbors and friends — everyone was taking precautions.

We floated back and forth between the different options:

• Do we send our kids to after school activities?
• Do we hold them back from school?
• Do we isolate from people we know and love because they are going who knows where?
• Do we wear a mask in public?

Like everyone around us, we thought it was something like a cold, a respiratory virus. It being winter, colds were extremely common with our germ monkeys. I was relieved to see runny noses and phlegm. “It can’t be COVID”, I reassured myself.

By mid-March, my husband came down sick with a terrible cold. I came down with it the week after. I do not know if it was COVID as at the time COVID testing was only being conducted for people who had traveled abroad or come into contact with travelers from abroad. I started playing religious prayers or guided meditation nightly as my anxiety and fear came to an all-time high. We pulled through the chaos and started to practice acceptance of the new world order. By this point, the older kids were sent home from school.

The week of March 18th, Ontario announced the closing of schools and day-cares. My kids came home.

I had about four hours left to the end of my workday to plan what to do when I heard the news. My colleagues in Europe had already moved to a work-from-home situation for all of their non-remote employees.

After some deliberation, I messaged my managers with the news that I would need to take a leave of absence for an unknown length of time.

How to decide what to do?

“It’s impossible,”
said pride.
“It’s risky,”
said experience.
“It’s pointless,”
said reason.
“Give it a try,”
whispered the heart.

— Author Unknown

Identification of the two-year-old problem

My rambunctious almost-2-year old needed constant supervision and care. In addition, I acknowledged the demands of my moody but curious 5-year-old who lacked the confidence to read and was dependent on the relationship he had outside the family with his teachers and friends. I was 100% confident the 9-year-old could more or less look after himself with little supervision.

Recognize resources

With a sinking heart, I foresaw almost immediately that childcare would not work for us in a shared manner that my neighbors and friends with older kids struggled to attain.

Pre-pandemic weekends with these three kids at this age were already a nightmare.

My husband and I would gratefully look forward to Mondays on account of the freedom to breathe, enjoy a cup of tea/coffee, focus on work, and take some time to ourselves. Weekends were a never-ending onslaught of kids, attending to their basic needs, getting them engaged and moving from point A to point B. With the kids at home, there was no longer going to be a difference between weekdays and weekends. The question was how to provide supervision and structure to occupy, feed, and nurture the kids 24/7.

My husband is great at housework and minding the kids — but it would be a severe waste of resources to have him contend with meals, cleaning, and childcare in any equally shared mode. His three hours of work equates to half an hour of mine.

So if we’re going to be paid for work hours and if it takes him twice as much time to do what it takes me half again — it made more sense for him to be paid for the hours of work he could do while I assumed the burden of what remained.

Why couldn’t my husband share the burden?

As one of two parents, I made an executive decision in our household.

I took HIM out of the equation on purpose and without his permission.

Only a month earlier, my husband’s work had announced cuts to jobs. In my head, he needed to put his full resources into his job to be able to maintain and keep his position for the indeterminant future. He also earned a higher income than I. He had seniority and access to other benefits. In contrast, I had only been at my new position for 6 months.

Topics of female discrimination due to motherhood come to mind but this IS the reality. I took time off to have the kids and to raise the kids. I already do a motherload of household tasks with his ready and willing help. So a step back to the lifestyle of the 1950s was in order. This was my executive decision as I entered survival mode for my family given the global pandemic.

Working in tech translates to working with a lot of individuals who do not have kids or who have not yet settled into marriage. The ability to understand family needs and burdens fluctuates depending on the person. Under non-pandemic conditions I have born witness to the father of a family of 5 (who shared family duties equally with a working wife) come online all hours of the day for work commitments and to talk to him afterwards he will tell you how burned out he is. The hours are long and fluctuate.

Even for me, I would rather commit my all or commit nothing rather than to be torn between the needs of my family and kids and a nervous deadline that suddenly loses intensity and meaning especially when the fear of the unknown consequences of a virus could effect any family member at any moment is the reality.

So my decision was based on a desire to give HIM free reign in his work commitments. He still contributes to household activities. This is by no means a step back in terms of how we as individuals see our responsibilities over our household.

How would the kids be at the home affect my ability to contribute to my job?

Most of my office commitments fell in the early hours of the morning to coincide with European work hours. My kid’s energy also peaks in the early hours of the day and they would be more inclined and easier to manage in the later hours. This conflict of demand for mom’s time was a huge factor.

In the early weeks of isolation, I took a day off from child care to help my office conduct an online conference. I had so much fun working for those few hours. However, a month later — I could not pull my personal resources together to take a couple of hours to contribute to a subsequent conference. The difference? My kids and the demands of the home had essentially burned me out. How could I justify work hours when I didn’t have time to be by myself? When I realized this, I had a conversation with my dear husband and instead of committing myself to a work event, I committed myself to do whatever I needed to do to get back my personal sanity and image of myself.

How much can I carry?

With a history of work-induced stress, I was very mindful of the burden I would need to carry to balance work needs with family needs. I decided that it would be too much. I did not want to be broken and burned out the day the pandemic lifted. This would prove to be the case; I did not see March or April, and now it is June.

For all the days my daughter was home I did not have the liberty to look at Medium let alone compose an article. My library account continued to send me eBooks I had ordered pre-isolation. I would push these by a week, two weeks, and finally, cancel the reservations altogether. There was no time — I had no resources left for myself.

Would we survive financially?

This was a week or two before Ontario introduced CERB for parents who took a leave of absence to look after their kids. In my mind, the leave I was taking would be unpaid. We had to make sure we could manage our financial demands. I was relieved when news from our home-run daycare relayed that they would not be billing us for childcare during the pandemic. We put our gym memberships, the kids’ classes and everything that we could on hold.

Questions people have asked me during this time

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”

— John Wooden

What about the burden carried by single-parent families?

I don’t compare myself to single-parent families. This is not a time to compare. It is a time to look at yourself, what burden you can carry, what privileges you can take advantage of and make a realistic decision so that you and yours survive and pull through difficult times. Unfortunately, I have had quite a few individuals ask me this question which tells me others are comparing me and my experience to their perception of single-parent families.

Everyone’s burden is their own. I have two friends who are single moms and they thrived during this time of self-isolation. For one, they didn’t have a partner who they argued with every second day. But more importantly, they benefited from being able to work from home. They had joy in the extra time they had with their kids. One even had an arrangement with her ex-husband to have the kids looked after one week with her and one week with him. Meanwhile, in married land — I listened to the challenges faced by dual parents working full time while trying to manage their kids now at home. This is no excuse to say that single parents don’t face a challenge — its to reiterate that everyone is going through their own experience given their economic situation and the hand that life has dealt them.

Would you have made the same decision had your kids been older?

I would have struggled more and tried to balance work with minding the kids. Having employment, having an external group of people to communicate with, and having a feeling of appreciation is important especially during this time of extreme isolation.

How do you cope with isolation?

Deciding to be the parent staying home with the kids means you’re with the kids ALL-OF-THE-TIME. My husband takes on the burden at bedtime and for a few hours at a time but its not the same. I have cooked more meals than I can remember. I have cleaned all the rooms more times than I can remember.

In the evening, I would take the dogs for a walk. When my daughter napped, I would take a ‘break’. Whenever I caught a neighbor outside we would have loud public conversations from a distance.

There are plenty of times when I could not cope. I fought with my husband. I would be nippy at the kids. I would have to cease and desist, let go, and take time for myself while the house was a complete disaster with children in various states and a frantic husband.

I made a lot of calls in the early days to friends I had neither seen nor heard from in years. I made it a routine to call grandparents and to check in with friends. I started playing scrabble online and other social games with friends who I would otherwise have met up with.

My break time narrowed to 15-minute segments between activities with the kids or the need to attend to a meal or cleaning. As the days passed, the kids became more dependent on me to the point that as I write this article, my 5-year-old has become enraged that I am not 100% focused on his needs. At the same time, I have never in my life been more understanding and aware of my kid's moods and how they function in both the positive and negative.

What do you regret?

I do not regret teaching and encouraging my 5-year-old to read. I do not regret being there with the kids and trying to find ways to keep them entertained.

I regret the mixed feelings I have as I condition myself to go back to work. I felt sad as I sent my daughter back to daycare when the family-run daycare was given permission to reopen. I regret not seeing her tiring me out all day. I am also relieved that she is not with me all day — ironic eh?

What are you grateful for?

I am grateful to have gotten to know my kids at this time.

“I did not know when I married you that I would be quarantined with you!”

After the initial weeks of disagreement and adjustment, I am grateful to be closer to my husband. Our relationship, and more importantly, the partnership has grown. I am grateful that I have a situation where I have a stable home, a source of food, and support.

What do you think of parents who worked through isolation with their kids?

People have to do what they have to do given their circumstances. Not all workplaces will give a parental leave of absence or flexible time, e.g. a neighbor quit her job, several parents cut back on their hours, others had to adjust their hours and struggle to meet the demands of their workplaces.

I know of two dads who stay home to look after the kids. It’s not a mom burden.

Many workplaces have downsized or laid off employees as their strategy to cut losses during the pandemic. Many parents have voiced to me the guilt and feelings of failure around not living up to personal standards to supervise their kids. The reliance on solo-play, screen-time and the absence of an adult for guided learning have taken its toll. BUT from my point of view, these parents are there for their kids. They never stopped being there for their kids. That’s why they’re striving and working so that their kids can continue to grow up with the stability of home, food, and support.

It's also important to note, the more kids you have the easier the burden. I have more compassion for the parent of one child who is burdened with how to keep that child socially motivated in absence of kids they would normally be exposed to at school.

What do you feel is the biggest difference between families with kids and people without?

I have a level of jealousy for not being able to consume books, write articles, cook or bake all the meals, and to move ahead in my career with the mono focused approach that those without kids have.

At the same time, pandemic life has brought back to families with kids an appreciation for the core unit of the family (whatever the makeup) and how that is defined. We value our every interaction with Grandparents and extended family via digital platforms. We have returned to a life of board games, Lego and nature walk. Many parents have made the time to understand what their kids are learning in school and where they are in terms of literacy, science, and mathematics. Kids, in turn, are enjoying that time spent with their parents (even if the parents are on a computer remotely meeting their deadlines). Having that core unit together in times of duress can only make for memories.

What about parents who are healthcare workers or front lines — who have to work?

My gratitude to healthcare workers, grocery staff, and all the other front line folk is unlimited. Their kids and families bear the brunt of the fear and sacrifice that the rest of us can only imagine.

“There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly live.”

— Dalai Lama